a comic with three men competing at the Mister Ferpland bodybuilding contest

#51 "The Mr. Ferpland Contest"

Bodybuilding is truly an art form, because there is a conscious effort to sculpt living flesh. They add a little there, then a little there, and through many years of hard work, they become one beautifully balanced bulk of muscles—a living work of art.

Becoming slightly obese is also an art form. It's easy to put on weight, but tougher to keep the fat symmetrical. I've been working on my spare tire for about thirty years, using a balanced diet of dark chocolate covered almonds and blocks of extra sharp cheddar cheese, along with a balanced loafing program. But no matter what I do, one side of my waist is bigger than the other. I am an asymmetrical waist-blubber-storer. Women who like slightly overweight men have always passed me by due to this imbalance—symmetrical waist-blubber-storers are considered dominant and attractive (my wife doesn't care about such things, so I lucked out in terms of being lonely for the rest of my life).

I've never qualified for the Mr. Overhang Contest, because the judges always laugh at my lopsided waist and give me low scores. They call me "Loppy" behind my back. The hip opposite from the large side of my spare tire is tight due to the extra stress from compensating for the extra weight on the other side. This asymmetry is really an obstacle, but I keep moving forward and continue working on this piece of art called my slightly obese body.

Someday, I'll make a breakthrough. It could come from diet, some esoteric yoga move, or even divine intervention. But whatever the method of salvation, the day will come when I win that damn contest, and women in the audience who like slightly obese men will come up to me and say, "You are one beautifully balanced fat man...take me. Take me now."

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Crusted Salt comics by Jimmy Brunelle